Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
