Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I love you.
Bad choice
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