I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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