Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
