mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
