I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
