Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
