the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
it was like eating out sand paper
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
