I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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