his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
