I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
