I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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