just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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