dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
