Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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