my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
