Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
His nipple licking is glorious
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