Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
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