I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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