my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
