Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
