i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
