I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
