happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
