I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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