I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
