I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
