I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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