This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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