So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
