I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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