i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
