The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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