I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
