so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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