You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
