So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
