toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
