Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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