he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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