I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
