I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
