Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
