I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
