DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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