I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
