After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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