If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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