But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
