tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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