I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
