my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
